I watched Adele’s “Hello” music video and broke it down for you. Here we go.
0:25 “Can you hear me now?”
We start with the back of Adele’s head. How long did it take for her stylist to get that windswept look? Impressive work by Verizon’s marketing team to get their catchphrase into the first thirty seconds of the video. Strong start.
LOL wut!? Adele has a flip phone? WHAT IN THE EFF? I’m supposed to believe that Adele, who turned down a $12M pound (that’s British money, not a weight joke you scumbag) endorsement deal from L’Oreal, hasn’t already upgraded to a 6S?
0:54 *RIPS curtain shade down causing dust to fly everywhere*
Talk about a power move. There’s clearly some angst in this. Somehow she doesn’t cough or shield herself from the dust. Talk about superpowers.
1:12 *Finishes removing dust blankets. Takes deep breath!?*
Who takes a deep breath in a room full of stagnant mite food? FFS I cover my nose when I go into a porta potty. You do you, Adele. Let’s watch on.
1:30 *Makes tea. Water boils instantly*
As a daily tea drinker this is a superpower I want. Also, Adele is English. Here’s a stereotype of English people to ensure that you never forget that.
A second character is introduced. A man with an outdated haircut running while yelling the word “stop!” Let’s call him Bilbo. Given the outdated haircut, this seems to be a flashback of sorts. He seems terrified so I’d say it’s safe to assume Adele is chasing and presumably assaulting the man. This story gets better and better!
1:55 “I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be”
Adele opens the door to an office in this abandoned house and is astonished and repulsed by the mess that someone has left. Her acting chops are on full display here and I wouldn’t be surprised to see her win some kind of award for this. She really sells the disgust. It’s unclear why California is mentioned given the gloomy atmosphere.
2:11 *Adele on the phone again*
Ugh. On her phone again. Shame on you, Adele. Ever heard of living in the moment? I’m surprised she isn’t taking a selfie. Also wait a second, her phone works!? Who’s been paying the bill this whole time!?
2:12 *Adele being filmed through a curtain*
This is starting to get creepy. Some shady paparazzi is filming her from behind a curtain. Is it a private investigator following up on the assault in the flashback?
2:35 *Bilbo now cooking for Adele*
What in the world? Is he suffering from Stockholm Syndrome? This is concerning. Now some of you might think that this is actually a romantic flashback and that he’s cooking for her out of the goodness of his heart. WRONG. You can’t even hear what he’s saying. She’s literally screaming lyrics over his voice. Does that strike you as something that a couple in love would do? Shout over each other? I didn’t think so.
2:45 *Bilbo realizes he’s being filmed*
“Seriously Adele? Another Snapchat? I’m not even wearing a shirt,” he seems to be saying. I empathize with you bud.
2:48 “…from the OUTSIIIIIIIDE”
Adele has a great voice and in this scene she uses it to remind you that now you’re looking at her singing outside. As if we couldn’t tell from the look of excruciating pain that she has on her face, no doubt from the chilly “California” weather.
2:57 “Please just let me go”
Ah – now any ambiguity is gone. He’s clearly a prisoner and is now begging Adele to set him free. Adele apologizes by wailing, “I’m sorry”
3:09 *Bilbo turns away and walks off into the rain*
He looks both relieved to have escaped but also preturbed that she set him free in the rain without a proper coat. Rude.
3:17 *Harry Potter phone booth appears in forest*
Now it’s getting weird. Why is this phone booth in the middle of a forest? Is Adele really that desperate to update her friends that she’s going to make ANOTHER call?
3:45 *Another flashback, Bilbo gets clothing thrown in his face*
I’m assuming that it isn’t sexy clothing based on the “I deserved that” face he makes after the clothing drops. Seems like our victim might actually be culpable in some way as well.
4:02 “I must have called a thousand times”
Well at least she’s honest about her phone addiction.
4:16 “I’m Adele. Scope my jacket swag and ability to use Instagram filters.”
Yes you are.
4:29 *Bilbo uses the F word*
I’m starting to turn on Bilbo now. There’s no reason to cuss at a lady, sir. Go wash your mouth out.
4:43 *Adele behind bars*
Ah, looks like the authorities have caught up to you Lizzie Borden. Throw the key away, this one’s dangerous and will make you cook for her!
4:44 “WHY DON’T YOU THINK MY CHEWBACCA COSTUME IS BEAUTIFUL!?!?!*
It is Adele, it is – whatever it takes for you to stop filming me.
5:08 *Adele standing by a lake, looking for her patronus*
I wonder what her patronus is. I bet it’s an anteater. It’s an anteater.
5:44 “Don’t look at me… (but really, look at me!)
Classic move. Take notes fellas, this is your chance to stand out against the rest of the pack. As Muriel Barbery says in The Elegance of the Hedgehog, “At the same time she still needs them just a bit, for a small but essential chore: someone, after all, has to recognize her power.”
5:44 *Hangs up phone*
5:50 *Peeks outside and sees… BILBO! ON A FLIP PHONE!*
He’s back! Is he here for his revenge? Why is he outside the house where he was once imprisoned!? Oh, he closes the trunk and presumptively leaves.
6:06 *Video ends* (but starts again, you don’t get to 131M views by watching just once)
WHAT? What happens next!? Where did Bilbo go? Is Adele going to try and catch him again? This cliffhanger ending is a great move by Adele and company. No doubt there will be a sequel to this that hopefully answers some of these questions. Thanks for reading.